I feel like there are actually so many things I want to say, and to reflect on, but I honestly don't know where to start, so I'm just going to do my usual and see where the questions take me and if I have anything else to add at the end, I'll add it.
Without further ado though, let's look back at 2019 and see what happened!
| Games Played (15) |
|---|
| - SSB: Ultimate - Overcooked - Overcooked 2 - Bloodborne (+ Old Hunters DLC) - Kingdom Hearts 3 - Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep* - Kingdom Hearts* - Nier: Automata - FFXV: Episode Ardyn - Story of Seasons - Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom - Sims 4 - Fire Emblem: Three Houses - Taiko no Tatsujin: Drum'n'Fun |
| Shows Watched (24) |
|---|
| - Flavours of Youth - Kim's Convenience S3 - Brooklyn Nine Nine S6 - The Good Place S3 - Killing Eve - Kakegurui - Piano no Mori - One Day at a Time S3 - Killing Eve S2 - S-Cry-Ed* [5/26] - Game of Thrones S8 [3/6] - The Bold Type S3 - Sailor Moon Crystal - Fruits Basket 2019 - Silver Spoon* - Yakitate Japan* [17/69] - Ouran High School Host Club* - Bleach: Zanpakuto Alternate Tales Arc - Cowboy Bebop - Good Omens - Aggretsuko S2 - Doctor Who 2005 S1-2 - Broadchurch - Jessica Jones S1 - Hana Yori Dango - Hana Yori Dango 2: Returns - Grace and Frankie - Suna no Utsuwa - The Boys - The Crown S1-3 - The Great Canadian Baking Show S3 - The Good Place S4 - Kimetsu no Yaiba - Soul Eater* - Chihayafuru S1-2* - Chihayafuru S3 - Bungo Stray Dogs S1-2* - Bungo Stray Dogs S3 - Noragami* - Haikyuu S1-3 - Queer Eye: We're in Japan - His Dark Materials - Atypical S3 - The Untamed |
| Books Read (27) |
|---|
| - The Time Traveller's Wife - Becoming - Neuromancer - Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep Vol1: Something Strange - Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep Vol2: Best Friends - Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep Vol3: To the Future - Equal Rites - Mort - Sourcery - Fullmetal Alchemist* [manga] - D.N. Angel* [manga] - Fruits Basket* [manga] - Ouran High School Host Club* [manga] - The Promised Neverland [manga] - Hunter x Hunter [manga] - Bleach* [manga] vol1-4 - Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone* - Stardust - His Dark Materials* - Percy Jackson and the Olympians* - Heroes of Olympus* - The Trials of Apollo - A Brief Guide to: The Greek Myths - Kimetsu no Yaiba [manga] - Chihayafuru* [manga] - Haikyuu [manga] - The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation |
| Movies Watched (39) |
|---|
| - Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix* - Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse - Batman Ninja - Summer Wars - Koe no Katachi - This is he End - Captain Marvel - Iron Man* - Iron Man 2* - Iron Man 3* - The Avengers* - Pokemon 2000: The Power of One* - Pokemon: Spell of the Unknown* - Captain America: The Winter Soldier* - Thor: Ragnarok* - Avengers: End Game - Detective Pikachu - Hercules* - How to Train your Dragon 3 - Mirai - Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone* - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets* - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban* - Bend if like Beckham* - Pride and Prejudice (2005)* - The Favourite - Last Recipe - Shoplifters - Inferno - Good Will Hunting - John Wick: Chapter 2 - Miseinen Dakedo Kodomo Janai - Internal Affairs - Aladdin (live action) - Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End* - Gladiator* - Bungo Stray Dogs: Dead Apple - Frozen II |
[PT] = watched a playthrough
I did not. 2019 was not an easy year for me. It will be a year that I may look back on in a nostalgic "wow... I can't believe I survived that," way, but it won't be a year I look on fondly, nor happily. There was very little I enjoyed about 2019. When I think about my year I vividly remember the feeling of reading a rejection email and spending the next 30min, curled up into my bed, bawling. This was towards the end of 2019 of course, but that moment truly encompassed everything I had held inside me throughout the year.
I remember sitting dazedly at an airport as I waited to board a plane back to Vancouver, ready to go on an exciting adventure to Tibet with my family, having just learned that I had failed my licensing exam.
I remember, even before that, meeting with a friend and feeling something break a bit inside of me as she failed to really empathize with how much was struggling with job hunting.
I remember feeling exhausted. Tired. Angry. Frustrated.
Scared.
Confused.
I remember second-guessing every piece of myself the entire year. Wondering, is this path the right one for me? Should I do this? Did I make a mistake by doing this? Am I doing the right thing? What is the right thing? What will happen if I change paths? What will I lose? What will I gain? Am I happy? What will make me happy? And I remember not having answers to any of these questions. Not finding answers. Not feeling like I was anywhere close to an answer.
So no. I did not enjoy 2019, to say the very least.
2. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
Getting a full time job finally. Really, without this happening, I can't even imagine what going into 2020 would be like. I was truly on my last legs.
3. What was the worst thing that happened?
I already listed these things above I think, but I think the worst thing was that moment when I received a rejection for a job I really did want a lot. The thing was, I wasn't surprised at the rejection itself - I already got a sense after the interview that I didn't show my best self. It was just a culmination of rejection, after rejection, of being stuck in a crap job, of just feeling so tired and drained and exhausted and it all just came to head when I got that email and read it, first thing after waking up.
As they say, it was like something snapped. I remember reading that email and just feeling nothing, and knowing that was wrong. I remember, even though it was morning, going to take a shower (I shower in the evenings) because I knew I needed to cry. I knew I needed to let something out, but that my brain had shut off to protect me, but I knew. I knew this was it. I knew that if this was my reaction, I couldn't shut off anymore. I needed a release because suddenly, with this one email, suddenly it was all too much.
4. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Can I just write down the whole entire year? Just making it through the year itself. Again, working at a very questionable clinic, scraping by month after month and religiously checking my budget. Constantly refusing any offer of help from my parents because damn it, I can do this on my own. I can. But god damn was doing it on my own hard.
5. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Moving in to a nice new condo with my roommate who I've been friends with for over 10 years now. Looking back on it, having her around to vent too, just having a nice home to come back to, the tiny things like that really helped me survive this year.
6. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Myself and my own self doubt in many ways. I don't know what others thought when they looked at me through this year. I don't know how much I was able to express myself because sometimes I don't share at all, and then sometimes once I start I feel like I don't shut up. But. Truly, the amount of times I questioned myself. The amount of times I felt like I had made a mistake. The amount of regret, and frustration I aimed at myself. I feel like I drove myself crazy in more ways than was necessary - but of course, this is all said in hindsight. At the time, my thoughts made sense. At the time, the pressure I placed on myself made sense. The confusion. All of it. And yet - it was all me.
7. What would have made your year immensely more satisfying?
So - I got a full time job, but right as I started this job (literally the second day in) I got an email for an interview to be a therapist/counsellor somewhere else that I knew was really hard to get in to... and me, being stupid and tired and fed up with job hunting because I finally got a nice job - just... declined the interview completely?
Like, not even thinking about getting the job - I truly, truly wish I had just gone to the interview. Just to check it out. But alas.
8. What are things you did this year that you'd never done before?
Went to Tibet.
Counselling through chat.
Took care of a pet lizard (not mine, my roomies, but I help out when they're not home :D)
Kind of mentored a student?
See my own private clients.
Become super invested in a C-drama (enough to read a Chinese BL novel and listen to a Chinese Audio drama???)
9. Did you make any resolutions last year, did you keep them, and what are your new resolutions?
Resolutions from last year:
- Get a therapist position: Succeeded through the skin of my teeth... kind of. I'm a counsellor, not really a therapist, but I'm halfway there (and full time! Benefits! A union!)
- Learn Korean: *laughs loudly*
- Yoga/exercise: Okay so, I kind of managed to do this sporadically at different times of the year. Particularly in May/June, and November I really managed to do yoga super regularly (like every other day, 30-45min). I have since stopped because I'm still trying to figure out my schedule with my new job, but I still felt super proud and am actually quite motivated to continue doing my daily yoga as much as I can.
- Improve my Mandarin: I'm literally laughing at myself as I write this, because literally even the me of last week would not believe this would be a goal/resolution of mine, but fangirling has always been my biggest motivation for doing anything, and boy am I fangirling Xiao Zhan hard right now.
- Yoga. Regularly: Not sure what 'regularly' will look like, but hoping at least a few times a week and actually keeping it up for longer than a month/two months.
10. What were the best books you read this year?
I honestly didn't read much this year. I started off pretty strong to be fair, but it kind of petered out towards the middle. In general though, I'd say Stardust was a really pleasant surprise. It was just the right touch of whimsical - it really felt you were brought into the book and experience everything that was happening to the main character as you read it. I picked it up on a whim to be honest at a local second hand bookstore because it was written by Neil Gaiman, and I'm glad I did.
Special shout out also goes to Kimetsu no Yaiba for being an awesome manga. I am excited to see how it concludes.
11. What were the best movies/TV shows you watched this year?
For TV shows, Kimetsu no Yaiba and The Untamed. Kimetsu no Yaiba had some truly beautiful animation and drawings, kick-ass music, and a story line that punched you in the gut while also being super funny. Really, it almost stands up there with FMA (we'll just see how the ending goes). The Untamed also had a story that punched me in the gut in ways I really, truly, didn't anticipate AT ALL. Terrible CGI and fight choreography aside, the way this drama managed to do romance without showing anything sexual was truly astounding and beautiful. Seriously, where is my soulmate in this world? I've been obsessed with this drama for an entire month now so... yeah. I just. God. So many things I love about it. So many.
For movies: I have to say... I'm not really sure. Looking at my movie list, nothing really stands out to me, no, not even Avengers: End Game. Don't get me wrong, I loved the movie, and I loved Detective Pikachu too, but like... I guess if I had to pick: Summer Wars (an old movie that I had tried to watch multiple times in the past, but always got side tracked from) and Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse. Just. Great animated movies all around.
12. What were the best games you played this year?
Bloodborne really was an amazing game. I still haven't been Fire Emblem: Three Houses, but I also am enjoying it immensely. I think I can't really answer this fairly though because my mind is so focused on Animal Crossing that any other game right now just kind of pales in comparison (even though I haven't played Animal Crossing yet, but come on!
13. Who were your most valuable relationships with?
I mentioned her last year, but this continues to be KC who is also my roommate now. Like really, she is like.. 95% of my social life at this point since we became roommates, and I probably did most of my venting to her. Also, a friend I have in Australia who really helped me out a lot too.
14. What were things you lacked, but eventually got this year?
A full time job, with benefits and everything. I mean, I lacked that most of the year too, but finally got it! Woot. Also, a Nintendo Switch. WOOOOOO~
15. What were things you wanted, but didn't get?
Honestly nothing really, since I managed to squeak by with a job, but if I'm being wishful and unrealistic: a trip to Japan, going to Arashi's 5x20 concert.
16. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
I'm kind of laughing at how last year, I said I felt really confident and ready, and yet I think my biggest change from January to December was truly the roller coaster of emotions I had to suffer through in which I didn't feel confident at all.
I mean, I don't think I changed at my core. I think my changes this year were due to circumstance and not necessarily a permanent change - but I think one thing I'm better at now is admitting to myself when I'm suffering. Letting myself cry. Letting myself hurt. You'd think, as a therapist, I'd be better at that already, but I'm actually really bad at it, and it's been quite a learning process, but just seeing what I managed to do this year - I know I'm learning at least.
17. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
Just being more open with myself about my emotions, particularly when I'm hurt, or sad, or struggling. I've cried more in this past year than I have in the past ten years combined.
18. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
I think I grew spiritually in the sense of having added another layer of resiliency to my belt. Of having gone through a year where I truly felt like I was struggling to stay afloat. Again, I'm not going to say something cliche like "I'm glad I went through this because I feel like I've grown". I'm not glad at all. Fuck that. But, it is true that because of what I went through, I think in many ways parts of me softened, and parts of me also were able to harden. The right parts of me.
19. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
If anything, I probably deteriorated physically. I was so stiff throughout the whole year. My shoulders, my back, my everything. That's actually why I really got myself into doing yoga regularly. Again, I've stopped since, but I'm hoping that if I keep up, eventually the yoga will pay out into something that does help me grow physically.
20. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
Same as last year - just being more open and honestly with friends. Being more open with coworkers and colleagues, sharing more of myself. Actually participating. Hanging out with people. My social life is still spent mostly at home, by myself, but there were definitely many times I connected with people in many more ways than I would have been unwilling to do so even compared to last year, or the year before that.
21. What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Knowing that I am helping people who are truly suffering, and that in that moment, I really might be the only person willing to listen to them and sit with them.
22. What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?
Bringing in a steady amount of private clients to pay for my office rent. With my current job, just... the entire job in of itself is a challenge. The things I've heard, having to sit with people knowing that they truly have no one but me, it's really heartbreaking and making sure I am able to keep up my mental barriers to actually provide them with the right amount of empathy and warmth? That's hard.
23. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
I don't know that anything I did this year was a time waster. Even the choices I regretted, or the choices I hated and suffered through weren't really a waste of time. I think in many ways, I spent the year as productively as I could, trying to find the best ways to make do with what I had access to.
24. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Pushing myself to start seeing my own private clients. Just. All the time I've spent doing that, working on that.
25. What are things you wished you did more of?
Writing actually. There are so many fic ideas I have that I actually started writing and planning out, and so many more ideas that I keep coming up with and like... I really actually want to finish them. The fact that I did any writing this year honestly made me feel really happy and proud and I hope to continue my writing in 2020.
26. What are things you wished you did less of?
Nothing really. Again, I think, looking back, I was doing the best I could given the situation I was in. I did what I needed to make it through without turning resentful, without giving up etc. If it meant spending 2-3 weeks not job hunting at all, so be it. If it meant nearly working 7 days in a row with no break, so be it. If it meant getting sick. If it meant eating terribly. I think I did everything I needed to do, and any less or any more would've been detrimental - but the fact that I survived meant it was enough and the right balance.
27. What kept you sane this year?
Having people to vent to. Honestly, if I couldn't do that I definitely would've have gone to see a walk-in counsellor. I honestly contemplated multiple times doing so anyway.
28. What was biggest thing you learned this past year?
What indeed. To trust that things, with time and effort, will eventually work out perhaps. In whatever way - and not always in the most obvious of ways either. Although, I have always believed in that, but this year I think really tested my belief in that, and I guess in the end it holds true? Or at least, I learned that in some ways I'm more resilient than I thought, and in other ways I'm not.
Oh, also, I think I'm slowly beginning to form an idea of what I actually want to do in mental health and I think I'm realizing that it might not actually be counselling, but... I wish I could do more back-end, coordinator, program planning etc. stuff. But, we'll see. Things to continue thinking about.
29. Create a phrase or statement that describes this past year for you.
A struggle. That's it. A real fucking struggle.
30. What are you plans for this upcoming year?
Do my job. Get experience. And just... let myself relax in the feeling of finally, finally, feeling like I have two feet on the ground of what seems to be some semblance of a career path. Where will I go from here? No idea. I just want to relax a bit knowing I will have a stable salary in the upcoming months. I won't need to worry about rent, or bills, or anything. I finally have a schedule to my life. And just... bask in that for a bit. At least for the first 6 months until summer. Once I get out of my probation I'll think about job hunting again.
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