What the actual fuck was 2020 eh? It's honestly a bit painful reading my post from last year - I had so many hopes for 2020 and here I am ending the year, once again, jobless.
Honestly, I was a bit hesitant about even making this post. Partially because I am coming off 5 hours of sleep after having said farewell to Arashi, but also because... I mean. What the fuck 2020? But ultimately I think I do still have things I want to reflect on and think about, so without further ado: how did I survive 2020?
| Games Played (15) |
|---|
| Fire Emblem: Three Houses - Grim Fandango - Overcooked - Okami - Animal Crossing: New Horizons - Cave Story+ - Cuphead - Night in the Woods - Persona 3: FES - Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Trilogy - Paper Mario: Origami King - Persona 5: Royal - Stardew Valley - Hades - Dark Souls* (Switch) |
| Shows Watched (27) |
|---|
|
Joy of Life (Ch) - Haikyuu S4 (Anime) - Chihayafuru S3 (Anime) - The Good Place S4 - Sex Education - Brooklyn Nine Nine S7 - Kim's Convenience S4 - Grace and Frankie S6 - Nirvana in Fire (Ch) - MDZS Q (Donghua) - Romance of the
Tiger and Rose (Ch) - It's Ok to Not be
Ok (Kor) - Scumbag System (Donghua) - Dating in the
Kitchen (Ch) - Fruit Baskets S2 (Anime) - Digimon Adventure
2020 (Anime) - Gank Your Heart (Ch) - Digimon Tri (Anime) - Silver Spoon S2* (Anime) - Yuri on Ice* (Anime) - Heavens Official
Blessing (Donghua) - Never Have I Ever - The Wolf (Ch) - Black Mirror* - Love, Death and Robots - The Queen's Gambit - Legend of Fei (Ch) |
| Books Read (9) |
|---|
| The Making of a Therapist - Letters to a Young Therapist - Heavens Official Blessing - The Husky and his White Cat
Shizun - Jane Eyre - Blood of Elves - Return of the Thief - The Time of Contempt - The Three Body Problem Fanfic Counter: ~1025 |
| Movies Watched (28) |
|---|
|
Tenki no Ko (Jpn) - Spiderman: Far From Home - Toy Story 4 - The Farewell - Knives Out - The Half of It - Saving Face - The Tale of Princess Kaguya (Jpn) - Nezha (Ch) - Jade Dynasty (Ch) - When Marnie was There (Jpn) - Kung Fu Panda - Kung Fu Panda 2 - Kung Fu Panda 3 - Mulan: Live Action - Mulan: Rise of the Warrior (Ch) - Up* - Mulan* - Mulan II* - Hamilton - Digimon: Last Evolution (Jpn) - The Man from UNCLE - Halloweentown trilogy* - Sister Act* - Miss Congeniality* - Abominable - Over the Moon - The Italian Job |
[PT] = watched a playthrough
So this post will be a little difference from my previous new year reflections in that I won't be answer my usual list of questions. This year I'm just going to answer the one question I posed: how did I survive 2020.
My answer to that is pretty simple and it's always been my go to answer during most of the difficult periods of my life: I survived by following the examples of my idols. And this year - considering the new idols I've come to love and the old ones that have now gone away, I really want to talk and reflect on... just the influence being a fan of certain idols has had on my life and continues to have on my life even now.
The reason I wanted to talk about this is because... I was kind of struck, at some point today, by the poetic nature of ending 2020 saying farewell to Arashi, a group I have loved wholeheartedly for 13 years, after they had spent the whole year preparing a lovely heartfelt goodbye, while simultaneously re-welcoming back Xiao Zhan onto the stage after he pretty much disappeared after a controversy he had no control over. The reason this struck me is because... I think at first glance for most people - and even for myself, I am not really a person that gets swept up by celebrity culture and definitely not idol culture.
I know, this is the part where you're raising your eyebrows considering I just said - and there is lots of evidence - that I have loved a Japanese idol group for almost half my life. But the thing is. For a long time, it's always just been Arashi. No one else. No other group, no other celebrity, artist, actor, has ever come close. Why? Because I am always a bit too aware that... we don't know celebrities. Especially idols--whose entire job is to sell us an image. A product of a person that we are supposed to like. At most, I'll like someone's acting or someone's singing, but I won't really care about them. They're just people doing their jobs after all--you wouldn't necessarily care too much about your doctor either would you? You can appreciate the work someone does, but not become too invested in them as people. But Arashi. I can safely and confidently say that I genuinely do like Arashi, as people--all five of them.
And then Xiao Zhan appeared. I always thought it was funny that he entered my life at such an opportune time. The moment I was losing one idol, I had somehow stumbled upon another. And not just in a casual way because I've never done casual when it comes to celebrities. It's always been Arashi or noting. A part of me honestly wondered if maybe I was just latching onto something out of desperation, because I was about to lose my security blanket. The irony is that as soon as I got into Xiao Zhan he essentially disappeared (which would have been even more reason for me to flake, and I still haven't).
The thing is: looking at these two celebrities, one group and one man, and what they went through in 2020 perfectly encapsulates... the two scales of how 2020 has been for me as well. It's been a year of that has been constantly tinged with an edge of bittersweetness even during relatively happy moments. A year of endurance. Of waiting for something. A year of wild emotional ups and downs.
At any given moment, I never really knew how I should feel and this was reflected in the idols that I usually turned to when I needed to escape. Half the Arashi shows I watched ended up making me cry. Even the slightest mention of Xiao Zhan either made me angry--because it was likely related to how he couldn't do anything, or made me upset because he couldn't do anything. The word "unfair" often popped up in my mind in relation to him, while with Arashi there was always just a feeling of quiet resignation.
And just off to the side, that just sound like how I, and likely a lot of people, have been dealing with COVID. Bouts of frustration. Distress. Anger. And then the quiet resignation as we realize this is just what it's going to be. This is how our year is going to end and this is also how next year is going to begin.
It is almost funny - looking back I had such high hopes for 2020. Even with Arashi's hiatus I had been so excited for the things they had planned. For the things I was certain Xiao Zhan would have planned. I had a full time job. I was making my way with my career. Things were settling. Things were falling into place.
Here I am ending 2020. I quit my job in October. I am... not lost necessarily, but feeling a bit un-moored. I have lost one of the most stable constants in my life since I was thirteen--one of my most stable sources of joy and comfort, and what has often given me hope and the motivation to trust in myself and pursue what I wanted--at a time when I really wish I had a bit more guidance. And yet. Here I am, beginning 2021, losing one rock (practically a whole island), but perhaps finding another to keep me afloat.
It really was something. Right after waving good bye to Arashi for the foreseeable future, to then switch windows to see Xiao Zhan on stage closing out CCTV's new year's gala, looking confident, and happy. It was almost like watching a phoenix rise from the ashes in some ways.
It's not the same. He's not Arashi and I don't want him to be. Nothing will ever replace Arashi in my life. But seeing what is the beginnings of Xiao Zhan's return at the cusp of Arashi's farewell does give me some hope. Some comfort. Some sense of security that a person can go through the worst and come out okay on the other side. That there is always something else waiting for you even when one path has ended. That with perseverance, strength, and simply trusting that each step you take continues to be a step forward--a step that can and will often bring good things in unexpected ways--2021 can be a better year than the year before it.
It has been a tough year for all of us, for various reasons--even harder for some than others--and overall I believe I made it through relatively unscathed in comparison, but nonetheless it was not a year I think any of us were expecting.
And so, I would like to wish everyone a very happy new year, and all the best for 2021.
To borrow a few phrases from my idols last night: May everything go smoothly and everyone be healthy. There are no nights that do not end. Let's charge forward.
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